please help with feedback i wrote this poem and trying to get published thanks xD

Trapped by Jacob Grenier

Years have gone by counting endlessly
the Tears Hidden by Darkness still crept inside me,
Ripping the way through out my Soul. Voices speak
of better times where i feel i once belonged to fit
in. A time of non-judgement and freedom from alienation.
A place forgotten by pain of the past and tears of torment.
Living exiled from Love, Feeling Trapped in this flesh and bone.
Struggling to find a place where acceptance welcomes me.
I will not be Trapped no more, I will not feel this Pain that creeps
within my Soul. I must face the demons that haunt my past.
I cannot alone but i feel i am no longer alone, I feel this strange
feeling in my heart that burns lile the Sun on a summer's Brightest eve.
Its a message from another telling me im not alone,........................
I am no longer Trapped

Pretty good, but try having a definite rhythm.

I personally love this rhythm:

U-U-S-U-U-S-U-U-S
(where u = unstressed, and s = stressed), as shown in this poem:

"The Destruction of Sennacherib"

The Assyrian came down like the wolf on the fold,
And his cohorts were gleaming in purple and gold;
And the sheen of their spears was like stars on the sea,
When the blue wave rolls nightly on deep Galilee.

Like the leaves of the forest when Summer is green,
That host with their banners at sunset were seen:
Like the leaves of the forest when Autumn hath blown,
That host on the morrow lay withered and strown.

For the Angel of Death spread his wings on the blast,
And breathed in the face of the foe as he passed;
And the eyes of the sleepers waxed deadly and chill,
And their hearts but once heaved, and for ever grew still!

And there lay the steed with this nostril all wide,
But through it there rolled no the breath of his pride;
And the foam of his gasping lay white on the sturf,
And cold as the spray of the rock-beating surf.

And there lay the rider distorted and pale,
With the dew on his brow, and the rust on his mail:
And the tents were all silent, the banners alone,
The lances unlifted, the trumpet unblown.

And the widows of Ashur are loud in their wail,
And the idols are broke in the temple of Baal;
And the might of the Gentile, unsmote by the sword,
Hath melted like snow in the glance of the Lord!

Sinho6 wrote:

Pretty good, but try having a definite rhythm.

I personally love this rhythm:

U-U-S-U-U-S-U-U-S
(where u = unstressed, and s = stressed), as shown in this poem:

A true poem does not need to rhyme at all. what defines a good poem is the message it gets across and ho well each stance complements the next. Some of the most renown Poets in the world wrote poems that don't have 2 single stances that rhyme.

As for your Poem GrenierPoet im not sure if this part is meant to be in it
"Its a message from another telling me I'm not alone,........................
I am no longer Trapped"

but its never wise to end a poem telling the reader or listener what the point of the poem is. a well written poem will deliver its message without the need for the entire last 2 stances. another key element in poetry is notation. notation leads a reader on and is crucial when dealing with poetry. Decide your periods and commas carefully and never allow one stance to trail into the next:
"I will not be Trapped no more, I will not feel this Pain that creeps
within my Soul. I must face the demons that haunt my past. "

All in all its a nice poem though. Good to meet someone else interested in poetry.

GrenierPoet wrote:

I feel this strange
feeling in my heart that burns like the Sun on a summer's Brightest eve.

This comparison needs some work, but not a total makeover, as the message is good.

I agree with seph, let the work speak for itself.

Nice job on the whole

Well two lines that rhyme is a couplet, so in the end it still has a rhythm, except in that case it is decided my the rhyme.
but usually a rhythm helps, even if you do deviate from it... maybe try the "ballet" form over and over again in the poem?

The reason why I emphasize rhythm is that when I read it aloud to myself, it sounded more like a story, or perhaps the confused meanderings a writer would put in his diary, not much like a poem. It is much like a story in the sense that the meaning is much like some books I have read... it is true rhythm is not necessary but if you are too loose, then you are not writing a poem as much as a short short with random punctuation.

Also, commenting on Navorn's quote... that line is:

1 - 4 syllables
2 - 17 syllables

That's not too good... it would be better divided more evenly.

I like it!!

Here is just one of my poems i got published.

Copywrite- Christopher James Smith

Ok behind this one.. I didnt know it at the time, but found out later that i had a brain tumor pushing on parts of my brain that were making me very mad, angry because i couldnt change the way i thought, and very suicidal no matter how hard i tried to change for the better and how everything in my life was just going to shit.

A dark heart

A dark heart.
So horrific, and happy like some others.
Mine is darker. But happier.
Like a light switch, so quick to change to it's opposite.
The good never wanting to confront the bad,
for fear of a chaotic flatline.
They are neer both there at the same time.
No room for the complete, but only the incomplete bliss.
But when i think about it, is mine darker and happier?
Or is it Happily darker?



Listen to my poems in Poetry.com's "Sound of Poetry" CD 2006-7

GrenierPoet wrote:

Trapped by Jacob Grenier

Years have gone by counting endlessly
the Tears Hidden by Darkness still crept inside me,
Ripping the way through out my Soul.

throughout is one word.

GrenierPoet wrote:

Voices speak
of better times where i feel i once belonged to fit
in.

belonged and 'fit in' in this context mean pretty much the same thing so i would say that 'fit in' is redundant or it could be 'of fitting in' ie. voices speaking, jat.

GrenierPoet wrote:

A time of non-judgement and freedom from alienation.
A place forgotten by pain of the past and tears of torment.
Living exiled from Love, Feeling Trapped in this flesh and bone.
Struggling to find a place where acceptance welcomes me.
I will not be Trapped no more, I will not feel this Pain that creeps
within my Soul.

i don't like 'no more' but maybe that's a cultural thing, i'd use 'any more'.

GrenierPoet wrote:

I must face the demons that haunt my past.
I cannot alone but i feel i am no longer alone, I feel this strange
feeling in my heart that burns like the Sun on a summer's Brightest eve.
Its a message from another telling me im not alone,........................
I am no longer Trapped

On the whole pretty good teenage angst. I'm not entirely convinced about the random capitalisation, what does it add?